Room 101 – The Scriblix Edition.

room101

I did this a while back on my other blog but I thought I’d do another one here and get on my soapbox to show a list of things that grind my gears and generally get on my nerves, just so you get a better idea of the person you’re dealing with. I’ve tried to choose different topics this time rather than copy them over but there are some that are the same as I used previously, simply because nobody/nothing is more of an annoyance to me, as I will state on those particular topics.

Enjoy.

SPORT: The Arsenal/Wigan Walk.

These are the idiots who’ve paid somewhere in the region of £80 for a ticket only to leave well before the match they’ve paid a stupid amount to watch has finished because their team is losing rather badly. It winds me up. When Sunderland were losing quite badly before half time earlier this season (I think they were playing Manchester City or some other big team), most of their fans had had enough and left in droves before the second half had even begun. And then, at the Super League Grand Final two weeks ago, some of the Wigan Warriors fans started leaving about ten minutes from time. They were only losing by two points, which was actually the way it finished. STOP IT! Stay until the end and, even when your team lose, drown your sorrows in the nearest pub AFTER the match has finished. Thank you.

BOOKS: Self-help books.

To my knowledge, this has never been a category or a topic on the real Room 101 (I seem to remember John Craven (I think) choosing e-readers as a pet peeve but that was in a Modern Life category, as was Ruby Wax’s choice of New Age books, and Paloma Faith put Fifty Shades Of Grey in as a wildcard – good girl!), but I’m adding it here purely on the basis that this is (mainly) a book blog. Anyway, my biggest bookish bug-bear are those annoying self-help books. You know the ones I’m on about. I don’t mean first aid books or anything to do with losing weight (I’m currently on a strict diet and exercise regime so I have books relating to exercise for that reason), I mean the ones that are written with the sole intention to instruct the reader(s) about how to deal with personal problems. They drive me mad!

SOCIAL MEDIA: Hashtag overload.

I’ve seen this WAY too many times on Twitter, Instagram and, worse, Facebook, and it’s really starting to annoy me. Hashtags are a good way to see what’s trending in the world right now but they get excessively annoying when every other Twitter/Instagram/Facebook account is an endless minefield of about fifty hashtags. One or two about whatever it is you’re talking about (i.e. if your latest photo is of a book you’re currently reading, you could use #bookworm or #bookstagram or if you’re talking about something that’s happened in the news, use a hashtag that’s trending that day) but PLEASE don’t bombard us with endless hashtags. I tend to avoid anyone who does it. Please don’t let me have to avoid you. Thank you.

TV: Reality TV.

PREVIOUSLY USED ON OTHER BLOG. Reality TV is one of my biggest annoyances. I couldn’t care less who the latest person to be thrown out of the Big Brother house for being rude is, who the latest celebrity to eat a kangaroo’s anus is, nor could I care about random people talking about stuff they’re watching on the telly. I also don’t care about banal crap such as Made In Chelsea or The Only Way Is Essex (though, to be fair, the Chelsea lot are slightly more tolerable) Get it off my telly before I chuck a cushion at it. Please. Oh, and Joey Essex is one annoying little cretin (why oh why did Celebrity Juice have him as guest captain the other night?!). That is all.

FILM: Annoying TV adverts.

I’m cheating a bit here. I couldn’t think of anything for films, other than people who munch or talk loudly in the cinema but, because it’s been a while since I watched a film in the cinema, I’m sort-of doing another TV category for this instead. And, whilst I don’t mind some adverts (I quite like the ones with the meerkats and the dancing robots), I find others rather irritating. Take the Go Compare ones, for example. They weren’t so bad when the moustachioed idiot who thinks he’s Italian (he’s Welsh) wasn’t singing, but he’s back… and he’s STILL annoying! Another insurance company with bad adverts are MoneySupermarket.com. I will admit don’t actually mind the current one with the builder and the Scottish guy doing the voiceover but the one with the guy with the Kim Kardashian arse strutting down the high street in high heels annoyed me to the point that I wanted to throw something at the television – usually a fist. Other annoying TV ads include Safestyle UK (what makes you think I’m going to buy your shit windows when you’re shouting all over the shop?), any stupid bingo/Cash For Gold-type ads (including the ones with Barbara Windsor – like SHE needs more money?!), and O2’s ‘Be More Dog’ (worse still, my phone network’s O2!). And then there was the time DFS (and their never-ending sales) used a Nickelback song in one of their adverts and unleashed hell on the world. Just why?!

DRIVING: Cyclists who think they own the road.

Again, I’m sort-of cheating, as I don’t drive myself, but a particular bug-bear I have as a pedestrian are cyclists thinking they have the God-given right to ride on the pavement or jump red lights whilst there are people crossing the road at traffic lights. For starters, there are such things as the Highway Code and the Green Cross Code. Please use them. I don’t wish to be crossing the road (whilst the green man’s on and the crossing’s going ‘bip-bip-bip’) only to be almost run over by some lobotomised shitlark on a bike. I had this misfortune last year. Having been run over by something a lot bigger than your average bicycle a few years ago, I’m now more careful when it comes to crossing the road. I waited until the green man was on before starting to cross, only for some nugget on a mountain bike (who, by the way, wasn’t wearing the appropriate gear) to come zooming through the red light and, if I hadn’t backed out of the way, I’d have been flat on my face. And then the idiot turned round (whilst STILL riding said bicycle) and looked at me like I was in the wrong, even though I had the right of way. Trust me, if he hadn’t have shot off at speed, I’d have pushed his sodding bike over with him on it before shouting expletives at him. Also, whilst I’m on the subject of crossing, is it really necessary to have about eight sets of traffic lights up the same bloody street in the middle of Leeds? They’re not even that far apart from each other and I get really wound up when I’m walking home from work and trying to cross the road but, because of heavy traffic, a bloody ten-tonne bus blocks the entire sodding crossing, leaving very little space to cross. Grrrr!

(PS: Thanks to the lovely Russell Howard for the ‘lobotomised shitlark’ insult.)

PEOPLE: British people who use the word ‘soccer’.

I used slow walkers and queue-jumpers in my other post but people who do this also drive me round the bend! The Americans (and the Aussies, to an extent) have their own version of football (i.e. the sport with the egg-shaped ball) so the sport with the spherical-shaped ball becomes ‘soccer’. And they’re the only people who can get away with it. If you’re a British person who calls it anything other than football, be prepared to get a big fat boot up the arse if you’re in my earshot. Our football is played with a round ball and our egg-shaped balls are for rugby. Please don’t use Americanisms if you’re a Brit. Thank you.

TRANSPORT: People who don’t use headphones/earphones on public transport.

Another thing that REALLY irritates me is, no matter if it’s on a train, bus, tram, plane or whatever mode of public transport you’re on, there’s always one idiot who thinks it’s fun to blast loud music from their phones/tablets with no respect for other people around them. We probably wouldn’t mind if it was something that was at least half-decent, but it’s always the same old tinny R&B crap that blares out. Some of us are trying to have a nap or read a good book whilst listening to our own music. We don’t want to hear yours. Turn it off before someone has the decency to do the honest thing and lob your electronic device out of the nearest window. Thank you.

MODERN LIFE: Nuisance callers.

PREVIOUSLY USED ON OTHER BLOG. They still wind me (and most other people) up big time and I’ve resorted to putting our landline’s voicemail messaging service on to deter them, but now they’ve started trying to ring me on my mobile too. There was one particular incident the other week. I’d not long got up and dressed (it was still mid-morning) before my mobile rang. I didn’t recognise the number, but recognised they were calling from London (the number began with 020) and, as I don’t live anywhere near London (last time I checked, I was from the NORTH of England), I ignored it and jotted down the number as it continued ringing. Then, after it stopped, I went straight to Google and searched for the number, only to find it was an accident claims company ringing about accidents in the last three years. Ambulance chasers, I think they’re called. Anyone (robotic or foreign-sounding) trying to ring me (especially in the early hours of the morning) about PPI, surveys, accident claims or trying to tell me there’s something wrong with my laptop and I need an ‘urgent upgrade’ (yes, had those as well, and very foolishly let one of them trick me a couple of years back but they didn’t get much further after my flatmate gave them a roasting and I reset my laptop after the call was shut off) will get a very impolite response from me, usually resulting in a) slamming the receiver down or b) not answering my phone at all. If there’s a long pause before they start to waffle on, or obviously sound like they’re in a call centre, then the phone receiver goes down. Also if, when they do get eventually to some sound, they can’t be bothered pronouncing my surname correctly (I usually get that from the foreign lot), they’ll get the same treatment. That is all.

FOOD: Hummus.

I used cous-cous (so shit they named it twice) on my last blog, but hummus is going here purely on the basis it looks (and tastes) like crap! It’s meant to be good for you if you’re on a rabbit-food diet, but the stuff is minging! Give me low-fat stuff and sushi ANY DAY!

DRINK: Notefold cocks.

Picture the scene: you’re at the bar in a busy pub (or club) and waiting there patiently in a bit of a queue when some idiot shoves forward in front of you, proudly waving a folded fiver (or tenner) in-between their big fingers in their hand. Put simply, those people are dicks. Also, why would you even fold the note like that in the first place? Those fingers are for holding a cigarette in, not a note. Why not fold it the way you’d normally fold it if you were to put in your wallet and hold it in the palm of your hand like normal people? If I was working behind a bar and noticed somebody waving their folded note about, they’d get served last. Let’s all join in the campaign to stop this form of arrogance once and for all: http://www.saynotonotefoldcockery.com. Spread the word, people!

(PS: Thanks to Dave Gorman for the ‘notefold cock’ insult.)

TRAVEL: Overhead storage hoggers.

If your bag’s small enough to fit under your seat, DO IT. The only exception to this rule is if you’re in an emergency exit seat by the door. I was once flying back from Malta on a well-known low-cost airline company (whose name I won’t mention but their main colours are blue, white and yellow) and a male member of cabin crew asked me nicely to put my small bag into the overhead compartment because I was in one of those seats, to which I obliged (after getting the stuff out I needed/wanted on the flight – not that there was anywhere to put it since this particular airline also don’t have magazine compartments on the back of the seat in front). Big bags that won’t fit under seats are fine in the overhead storage, but not small bags that are, under normal circumstances, able to fit under your seat. And another thing – on landing, don’t just barge in and grab your bags. Wait your turn whilst people disembark the aircraft. We all have to wait at the luggage carousels anyway. Would it kill you to wait five more minutes?

SHOPPING: People moaning about carrier bags.

Now that we have a 5p charge on all plastic bags in England, like the rest of the UK, people have found something else to have a good old whinge about. I haven’t had anyone having a go at me in our little charity shop yet, but I’ve heard of other people kicking off in big supermarkets over it. Here’s a tip: if you don’t want to pay 5p for a plastic bag, try taking one of your own. Or, better yet, shop at Primark. They’re the only big company I know of not charging for carrier bags because theirs are paper, not plastic. Just don’t come whining at me because your bag’s fallen apart in the rain. I did try to warn you.

TECHNOLOGY: Selfie sticks.

Who in their right mind wants a nice photo with a huge stick right down the middle of it? They look daft and people using them look even dafter. There was one occasion earlier this year where some guy offered to take a photo of me with a weird-looking Mickey Mouse in the middle of Leeds – only for him to whack my phone onto one of these things before asking me where the inner camera function was. (For the record, my phone doesn’t have such a function, so he eventually took the photo the normal way.) Selfie sticks are pointless and, if you’re not careful, you could have somebody’s eye out. If you want a photo with a nice background in it, just ask someone to take the photo for you. Don’t resort to using one of these. Some tourist attractions, and even some sports stadiums, have banned them anyway, which is probably a good thing.

POLITICS: David Cameron.

Ah yes, Travelodge tits himself. I used smug git Nigel Farage on my other blog for my political hate but, as David Cameron’s gammony face also winds me up, he’s going here this time round. I don’t really need to explain any more do I? Smug twat.

(PS: Thanks again to Russell Howard for the ‘Travelodge tits’ insult.)

(NB: I would have used Russian dictator Vladimir Putin here, as I don’t like him very much either (their Prime Minister, Dmitry Medvedev, seems like a much better guy), but I don’t want a load of Russians having a go at me for hating their ‘special one’ so I used our pillock of a Prime Minister instead. That is all.)

CHARITY: Chuggers.

For starters, I don’t hate charities (as I’ve already stated, I volunteer in a charity shop and try to do my bit for Children In Need, Red Nose Day and the like). What I do hate those people you see on virtually every street corner trying to con people out of money for charity. I have to walk on the other side of the street to avoid them but they still see me and try to run over. I don’t mind if they have a bucket for chucking a spare pennies in, as I had at our train station last week, but this lot don’t. They have clipboards, and probably NVQ’s about clipboard management (thanks John Bishop!), and leaflets about their charities. No, you can’t have five minutes of my time to babble on about whatever charity it is you’re conning people out of money for. I’m in a bit of a rush. Move!

FASHION: Plus size.

First of all, can I point out that I am NOT fattist? What I can’t stand are people who refer to anything that’s size 16 and over as ‘plus size’. I’m slightly overweight myself so I’m wearing things that are slightly bigger at the moment but I don’t class myself as someone who is plus size. Right now, I’m size 14. That is NOT ‘plus size’. There are even models nowadays getting bullied for having a bit of weight on them and being referred to as ‘plus size models’. STOP IT! Just because they’re not so thin that they resemble a garden rake doesn’t mean they can’t do a bit of modelling. Same goes for anyone using the term ‘bikini body’. One of my personal trainers at a free gym class I (sometimes) go to uses this particular phrase and it drives me potty! Do you have a bikini? Put it on. There – you have a bikini body. It doesn’t matter what size someone is. As long as they’re still healthy, that’s all that matters.

MUSIC: Justin Bieber.

PREVIOUSLY USED ON OTHER BLOG. After watching TFI Friday last night (and totally forgetting he was on it – d’oh!), this irritating little wart* is going here as well. His hair, his mannerisms, even his sense of fashion – the lot infuriated me to the point I wanted to grab the nearest cushion and throw it at the telly. This is the same little oik who, a couple of years ago, couldn’t be bothered turning up for a gig on time and couldn’t even come up with a good excuse – at least when One Direction cancelled on their fans at the last minute a few days ago due to one of the band members falling ill, they apologised there and then. (I don’t like them either but at least they had the decency to apologise and refund the fans afterwards.) He also couldn’t be arsed getting the correct documentation for his pet monkey during a stop at German border control whilst on the same European tour and looked most disinterested after being arrested on a DUI charge last year. Also, why did he grab at his crotch every thirty seconds during last night’s performance? Did his mother never tell him to stop playing with it before it before it drops off? Tosser!

* you can insert others here. Jedward and Kanye West, I’m looking at you in particular…

GIGS: People that obviously don’t want to be there.

These are usually the douchenozzles that sit in (or very near) the front row and you can just tell by the look on their faces that they do not want to be there. These kinds of people intentionally don’t laugh or are there purely to start a riot and make a spectacle of themselves. When I went to see Russell Howard last year, there was one woman who stood up whilst Russell was mid-skit about the English Defence League and Ribena who kicked off because she thought he was being racist. It was just before he was mentioning about Tom Daley getting abused by a Twitter troll (to this day, I have no idea what the rest of the skit was about) and paused to dish out some abuse of his own whilst everyone else was laughing at what was going on. The idiotic woman was eventually dragged out by the arena security. Why go to a comedy show (or any show in general) if you don’t like the person(s) performing? It’s pointless!

COMEDY: Offensive comedians.

I used the floppy-haired wazzock Michael McIntyre on my other blog, simply because I can’t stand him, but ‘comedians’ such as Chubby Brown and Jim Davidson going out of their way purely to offend people annoy me too. Frankie Boyle is one such ‘comedian’. I used to like him on Mock The Week but, once he started doing his own shows, he became so offensive that I went right off him. One example was his quip about Harvey Price. Now, I hate Katie Price as much as the next person, but taking the piss out of her disabled son is VERY wrong. They’re not funny, they’re vile. End of rant.

WORK: Mannequins.

As someone who is only 5ft 4ins (and a bit) in their stocking feet, I find it really difficult getting clothes back on the mannequins at work. I don’t mind the half-mannequins (which are basically just a body with no bottom half or hands) but the taller, full-body ones are a pain in the derrière, especially when they’re in the windows and I have to grab the step-stool to reach the damn things. Some of them are a bit wonky as well and currently resemble headless zombies, though we are due to get some new ones in soon, and they’re a nuisance when I’m trying to check the price/size of whatever’s on there for someone, then get it off for them, only for them to say they don’t want it and I have to fight with the mannequins to get said item back onto them. Help!

CELEBRITIES: Josie Cunningham.

Ah yes, Josie Cunningham. I use the term ‘celebrity’ loosely for this skank (turned fame-hungry chav). This is the woman who scrounged a fake pair of knockers off the NHS, was going to abort her unborn child to go on a reality TV show but didn’t, and now she’s recently confessed to having aborted another unborn child – all for a fake conk. She’s an ugly publicity whore who doesn’t deserve the attention and no amount of words will ever express my hatred for this odious hag. Shamefully, this wannabe model (don’t models have to be pretty? She looks like a horse!) happens to be from the same city as me. We’re not all like her up here. Please don’t tar us with the same brush.

WILDCARD: People telling me who I can/can’t support.

And finally, the wildcard. The one thing that irritates me more than anything I’ve posted on this blog are some people sticking their twopenneth-worth in and telling me on various social media platforms (though usually Facebook or Twitter) that I can ONLY support British people/teams in sports because I’m British, or I can’t support anyone other than my hometown football team. Things such as the following:

  • I can’t have more than one football team or support someone that isn’t my hometown team.
  • I can’t support anyone other than England because it would be traitorous.
  • I can’t support certain sportspeople because they’re not British.

Where, in the rule book, does it say I HAVE to support British teams/people because I’m a Brit? Think back to Euro 2008. None of the Home Nations made it to Austria and Switzerland, so most people I know adopted another country as their own to support instead. (For the record, I supported Spain back then, and then supported them in last year’s World Cup when they let everyone down by being the first team to be sent packing after failing dismally in Brazil.) And I’m the same with other sports. When Scotland were the last Northern Hemisphere team standing in the recent Rugby World Cup, most people (including myself) got behind them. England had already let me down and Ireland were hopeless against the Argentinians, so Scotland were my last hope. And my third country would have got through had it not been for some arse of a referee awarding a controversial late penalty just before full time.

So, let’s start the rest by breaking it down, shall we?

1) I can’t support more than one team. REALLY?! Because most people I’ve seen around Twitter/Instagram/whatever do accumulators for teams (that’s supporting more than one team, even if it’s just for one day – I’ve done it myself, though not with accumulators, it’s more who I want to win on that day), or support at least two teams anyway (one from the UK and another from elsewhere in Europe) – and a lot of my social media followers don’t even support their hometown teams (my best friend included). My non-league team are Guiseley (my grandma’s from there, and it’s still part of Leeds, so it counts) but my main team are Bolton Wanderers with my second team as Celtic. They’re technically from different countries anyway. And my European team happen to be Danish. Diss me all you like, I don’t care.

2) I can’t support anyone other than England. Bollocks! My best friend (and a lot of other people on my social media accounts) have been put off supporting England in recent years, especially in the football (see my rant about Euro 2008 above), because they’ve been a bit dull and boring to watch/support, so they’ve adopted another country, usually another European international team, as their own. My international team are Ireland and have been for some time (they were my second team in the football for years anyway (I’m part Irish, it’s allowed!) but they’re now my main team and that’s the way I like it). Who wants to support a set of overpaid fannies anyway? I do support England in the rugby (both codes, though we were useless in the recent Rugby World Cup) and cricket (not that we’re much that either) and, even when we are useless, at least they’re not overpaid farts and I’d rather gouge my own eyes out than support them in the football. And that goes for next year’s European Championships as well. If Ireland don’t make it, then I’ll support someone else other than England instead.

3) I can’t support any sports-person unless they’re British. I occasionally watch sports where no British athletes take part, such as ski-jumping (we haven’t had any ski-jumpers since the days of Eddie the Eagle), so I adopt countries as my own in those (I usually become Norwegian or Polish in the ski-jumping, depending on who’s jumping and/or if they’re any good on the day, and any of the Scandiwegian countries (usually Norway and/or Sweden) in the skiing/biathlon when no British athletes take part). As for British sports-people, there are some I don’t like, so why should I support them if I don’t like/can’t stand them? I like a bit of tennis and Formula 1 but I’d much rather support the likes of Roger Federer and Kimi Räikkönen over Andy Murray and Lewis Hamilton. They’re far less miserable and not as cocky. That is all.

And that’s the wrap! See you next time!

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