I touched up a little bit in my Room 101 post on this but here’s another list of things that really wind me up and can take a long walk off a short pier. If you are/do any of these, then you’re an idiot.
That is all.
1. User agreements/terms and conditions. If I have to read for what seems like a century to accept an agreement in order to use the thing I’ve just read the T’s and C’s for, then that’s just taking the piss.
2. The Go Compare man. In fact, any insurance advert that doesn’t involve meerkats or dancing robots can kindly do one.
3. Katie Hopkins. I think that one’s pretty much self-explanatory.
4. Justin Bieber. Again, self-explanatory.
5. Cancer. The horrible disease, not the starsign. I’ve known a few people die from it and it isn’t pleasant.
6. UKIP/EDL/BF. Those bigoted ‘parties’ who want immigrants out of our country so they reclaim it back. It was never theirs to start with. (NB: I did put the BNP here too but they’ve recently been de-registered. Serves them right. Dicks!)
7. Chavs. They usually come in packs. Approach them at your peril.
8. Chavs/yobs who don’t understand the concept of earphones. If you’re going to listen to your crap music, keep it to yourself. The rest of the bus/train/plane don’t wish to hear it as well. Thank you.
9. People who use oversized headphones on public transport. Just WHY?! You look like a idiot!
10. This weather. Isn’t it supposed to be ‘Dry January’?
11. Rude customers. I’ve lost count of how many I’ve had coming up to me at work – and I work in a charity shop. Please leave the shop before I too lose my rag. Thank you.
12. Spammers. I’ve seen a lot of spammy shit posted all over my Twitter/Instagram accounts recently. Some of them have even liked my posts and followed my timelines. You’ll never know how many of the gits I’ve blocked recently.
13. Bullies of all forms. And that includes racists, sexists, homophobes and the like. How about going and doing something productive with your life instead of making others’ lives a complete misery?
14. Words like ‘chillax’, ‘YOLO’, ‘amazeballs’ (especially if preceded by the word ‘totes’) and ‘bae’. You do know ‘bae’ is Danish for ‘poo’, right? Oh, and a ‘tote’ is a bag or a thing you do in betting. It is not a shortened form of ‘totally’. That is all.
15. Shops that start selling Easter products as soon as Christmas is over. Same goes for shops who start selling Christmas stuff in September. Please stop it. (Unfortunately, we do this…)
16. Healthy foods with a hefty price tag. And the government wonders why this country has a big obesity problem?
17. Offensive comedians. Off you go.
18. My cold. Urgh.
19. Train prices. Also train stations charging through the nose for the use of public toilets. (Hammersmith, I’m looking at you, since you charge 50p for the privilege.) Are they taking the piss?
20. Trains and buses that don’t turn up on time/cancel for no apparent reason. We will shortly be arriving at the end of your temper.
21. The Kardashians (including Kanye West, since he’s married to one of them). Again, self-explanatory.
22. Celebrities (and other normal insane idiots) who call their babies ridiculous names (ties-in with the previous one). Why not give your child a nice, normal, simple name that everyone can spell? What kind of names are Buzz, Saint, North, Apple, Jermajesty, Klay, Kit, Atlas, Blue, Bear or Apollo anyway? The poor little mite will have the piss taken out of them in later life!
23. People coming up to me in town asking for directions/a light/spare change. You know who you are. Why is it always me they come to? Mind your own business!
24. Chuggers. See above. I enjoy flashing my CRUK lanyard at them sometimes to try to deter them but they still come over to waffle on about whatever charity it is they’re fleecing people for money for anyway, although some of them DO get the message that I’m skint and let me get on with whatever it is I was doing instead of yabbering on for more than five minutes. I already work for a charity, my friend. What makes you think I’m going to give you some money for yours? Bugger off!
25. David Cameron/the Tories in general. They’ve ruined our country. How about you go and bother some pigs.
26. Nuisance callers. If you ring me in the early hours of a Saturday (or any other weekday) morning to try and sell me PPI, try to tell me there’s something wrong with my laptop/other form of electronic equipment (including my mobile), ask me to take part in a stupid survey, ask me if I’ve had any sort of accident in the last three years or try to con me out of money in any other way, you’ll get a very impolite response from me. Also, if you’re going to charge 25p a time just to answer your stupid call in the first place, I’m not going to bother answering it anyway. Why should I waste my money? Go away.
27. Taxes on normal everyday items that are considered ‘luxury’, even when they’re not. I think Russell Howard said it best.
28. Piers Morgan. Off you pop, there’s a good chap.
29. Cyclists and other road users who don’t know how traffic lights work. If you see a red light, STOP. Don’t go through it like a moron, you complete and utter cock!
30. Annoying people from school/college (with three or four different profiles) trying to add me on Facebook. You made my life hell back then. What makes you think you’re getting added? How about a nice big BLOCK instead? Go away and leave me alone you cretins!
31. Restaurants/pubs/other eateries that serve food on anything but plates. We don’t wan our food on shovels, slates, old bits of concrete, wood, mini trollies/baskets/skips, wellies or beer glasses. We just want plates!
32. Tall and lanky sports/music fans who plonk themselves in front of me whilst I’m at the match/concert so I can’t see a bloody thing. Oi, tall person, I’m 5’4”. I can’t see over your head. Shift!
33. Sports fans who turn up to the match in full fancy dress or full kits. How old are you?
34. People who blow stupid airhorns/whistles right down my lughole. How about you move before I shove it so far up your arse that you can’t sit down for a fortnight?
And that’s that! Apologies for the rather long rant. It was good to get that off my chest. There are probably loads of others but, for now, this will do. I will try and return to normal again (i.e. posting blogs about books/lifestyle) as soon as I can.
End of rant.